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What's A Nice Person Like You "Talking About" In A Place Like This?
So, you've joined a nice chat group / forum, now what?
Do you come here often?
Isn't the weather wonderful?
Are you okay?
Have you ever started a conversation with someone, using the above… or similar ways? You have? Did I just ask you questions that you can answer with a simple yes or no, or some other one-word answer? Yes. I did. Well then, neither of us are following the rules for starting and maintaining a good conversation.
Engaging conversations are to relationships what spices are to delectable foods. Both enhance, as well as flavour, and leave everyone with fine memories of what just took place. Therefore, when looking to build your English language conversational skills, it's important to know how to begin a conversation, how to keep a conversation going, and how to end a conversation.
Think of the three-act structure of a play or movie. All good plays and movies have a beginning, middle, and end. It's what makes a good play or movie satisfying, interesting, and complete.
When all is said and done – you feel and know the communication that just took place was insightful, informative, and worth the time and effort. Conversations are the same!
Let's look at the three parts of a successful conversation:
The Beginning
The beginning of a good conversation begins with a personable greeting (and a smile if it's a face-to-face conversation, or maybe a smiley in a chat room). You want the person you're talking with to be comfortable with you from the start. However, you want to proceed immediately beyond "Hello' to engaging in talk that leads to more talk. That's why the key to developing a conversation begins with asking open questions after the beginning introduction. This applies to the generally accepted small talk, which often is the precursor to more in-depth conversation. Small talk breaks the ice and enables each person to settle down and trust his or her conversation partner.
A really good ice-breaker for English learners is to simply discuss the whys and wherefores of your mutual interest - learning / speaking English. You can ask the other person how long they've been learning English, where and when do they practise, and about their motivation for doing so and how easy / difficult they find it. If you are lucky enough to have bagged a native speaker, you can ask them about what other languages they have learnt etc.
Of course, talking online or on the telephone to build your English language conversational skills will eventually involve asking questions concerning a person's age, sex, and location, but these questions should be asked in a respectful way (not just "ASL?". In addition, you have to decipher whether it's appropriate under the circumstances to ask a person's age, and such. Asking these questions too early, can make people question your motivation in looking for a conversation partner.
You need to get beyond "Hello" and basic age/sex/location questions and begin to engage the other person with interesting and thought-provoking questions. This applies to online/telephone and face-to-face conversations. Now, you ask those questions that will elicit answers in the form of sentences and even paragraphs. In other words, not the dreaded one-word answers that are conversation killers. These open questions allow for expansive thought and take us to…
The Middle
The middle of the conversation is where you encourage the person to respond by going into detail about a topic you are discussing. This is when being a good listener reaps dividends. In fact, all good conversations demand that each party engage in thoughtful "listening." Only by listening attentively can you continue to ask the right open questions that will cause the other person to open up and reveal even more information. This is the lifeblood of keeping the conversation going.
You can develop any conversation by being well read. Keep current on a wide variety of topics. Read newspapers, books, magazines. Moreover, watch some quality TV programmes and listen to the radio. As you become better informed, you are also building your English language skills. This will help you keep conversations moving forward into intriguing uncharted territory. Focus on the other person – their interests, concerns; if they do the same for you, it makes for great give and take in conversations.
The End
What makes a good conversation also involves knowing when to end a conversation! Most of us are busy today and cannot spend inordinate amounts of time on the telephone, online, or in cafes conversing endlessly. Consequently, it's important to know when to end a conversation.
One clue is that you find you are both repeating information – you may have exhausted this conversation session's inventory of things to say. Another clue that it's time to end a conversation is when the other party becomes distracted - looking around, checking their watch discreetly, and such. If long awkward silences begin to happen, then you know it's time to call it a day. If you wish to converse with this person later, say so, set a date and time, or at least give an open-ended invitation, maybe arrange a topic for the next time, you can't keep talking about the same thing for months on end. Most importantly, if you don't want to speak to them again, then don't give the impression you do.
So, remember, when you want to ask, "Do you come here often?", instead ask, "What do you like best about this place?"
When you want to ask, "Isn't the weather wonderful?", instead ask something like, "It's beautiful here today, what's it like where you are?"
and…
When you want to ask, "Are you okay?", instead ask something like, "How are you? How have you been since we last spoke; you were going after that job promotion…how did that all work out?"
…then let the games begin…because soon you'll be answering…
"Sure, I have time; I'd love to have a coffee and chat…"
That's your cue to go beyond the beginning… and have fun through the middle … right until it's time to say "Goodbye for now!" at the end of an enjoyable conversation.